Will You Only Find Love When You Stop Looking?

Or should you actively pursue a relationship?

Bfdjdbjd

6 min readNov 27, 2020

“You’ll meet someone when you least expect it.”

“The more you look for someone, the harder they are to find.”

“Love will show up when you’re most distracted.”

“I wasn’t looking for anybody, and then I met — ”

I’m sure you’ve heard some variation of those sentences at some point in your life. You might have said it yourself in an attempt at encouraging a long-time single friend.

Perhaps that single friend was you, and you said it looking in the mirror.

The go-get it approach to relationships

Some people argue the opposite. They claim that, as with anything in life, if you want a relationship, you can’t passively wait for one to drop on your lap, you should actively go get it.

If you want a job, you have to apply for interviews. If you want to maintain a circle of friends, you have to check on them often and do things together. If you want to take a vacation, you have to save money and make plans.

If you want a relationship, you have to act like it.

Go out, meet people, ask someone for their phone number. And call them.

If you don’t understand what your values are, and don’t project them to the world, you won’t see your wishes come true. If having a long-term relationship is one of your values, then make an effort to project it to the world.

It doesn’t mean that you have to be creepy about it, or act desperate. It just means you should put yourself in the way of opportunity, and keep your eyes open for when opportunity presents itself.

“Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity.”

— Lucius Annaeus Seneca

And so is love.

When it comes to love, the preparation is the work you put on yourself so that you’re ready for a healthy relationship, otherwise, no amount of opportunity can result on anything of value. Regardless, you must also seek opportunity, not wait until it comes knocking on your door.

What “stop looking for a relationship” really means

When you stop looking for a relationship, you stop seeing what isn’t there.

A friend recently texted me that he “really wants a relationship, and that just screws everything up.”

He explained to me that it makes him see every girl he goes out with as a potential long-term girlfriend. Every girl he kisses becomes a life partner in his mind. Whenever he gets a second date, he hears the wedding bells.

Looking for a relationship makes him get too attached too fast, and incredibly hurt when things don’t progress the way he expects it to.

I advised him to stop looking for a relationship so he can turn the process of meeting people and dating into something light and fun.

Not looking for a relationship also helps to take away the pressure single people often put on themselves. Thoughts like “I should be doing more,” “I should be trying harder”, “I shouldn’t have said that in front of him/her, that was so stupid”, are not helpful for anybody’s self-esteem.

When you’re “not looking” for a relationship, these things don’t matter as much.

How do you reconcile these perspectives?

Can you project your desire for a relationship while not “looking” for love at the same time?

Of course you can.

If finding a long-lasting relationship is your goal, align your values in accordance to it. Don’t treat dating as if it’s a meat market. Take people seriously. Be respectful and caring, but above all, be respectful of your own time.

Meanwhile, stop “looking” for love. Stop seeing people and relationships for anything other than what they are just because you want it so badly.

Once you find that balance, you’ll find what you’re (not) looking for in the most unexpected manner.

There’s no secret to finding love, but when you find a way to respect your values but also not take everything as if it’s life-or-death, you’re definitely on the right path.

Will You Only Find Love When You Stop Looking?

Or should you actively pursue a relationship?

The go-get it approach to relationships

What “stop looking for a relationship” really means

How do you reconcile these perspectives?

Written by Bfdjdbjd